The Handkerchief Files
by Snapdragonroar
Summary: I.S.T.A.R.I. [Ithryn Strategic Tactics and Reconnaissance Initiative] A collection of Agent Gandalf the Grey's field reports during the events of the Quest for Erebor and the Battle of the Five Armies, regarding the events from initiation to the Carrock. (Previously "Field Reports from Agent Gandalf.")
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: None of this is mine. All rights belong to the great J.R.R. Tolkien and Peter Jackson.**

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><p><em>The following reports are extracted from the TA 2426 files.<em>

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><p>Agent: Gandalf the Grey<p>

Location: Somewhere in a field

Date: November 6th, TA 2426

Long have I wandered the kindly West, in the lands of simple folk. Though they have no great warriors, no kings, nor any royalty of any kind, still I suspect that there is much to learn among the common Men. I have heard whispers of a race of small beings named Hobbits; they are said to be curious creatures, of short stature and with hair on their feet. I feel it is my duty to investigate further, for the Mission.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Rohan

Date: November 18th, TA 2426

Gandalf. While I applaud your initiative, I have to question your motives. Why exactly are you running about with peasants and trying to discover new races? Especially as I distinctly recall that when I last sent you instructions, I ordered you to travel to Gondor, there to improve relations among the nobility and to examine defenses against potential attack from the Forces of Evil.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Another field, I think

Date: October something, TA 2426

I do remember the order to visit Gondor, but I think you'll agree that, just as I suspected, further examination of these Hobbits would bear fruit. Have you heard of "Pipe-weed?"

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Rohan

Date: October 5th, TA 2426

No. I have not.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Someone's back garden

Date: Early November, TA 2426

You should try it, really. Wonderful, marvelous stuff. I have carved myself a pipe, from which I smoke this most delightful of substances. I have found, sir, when sitting in a nice shadow, with the smoke curling up around me, and my best enigmatic expression, I present a satisfactorily Wizard-like picture.

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><p><em>The following reports are extracted from the TA 2463 files.<em>

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><p>Agent: Gandalf the Grey<p>

Location: Rivendell

Date: August 8th, TA 2463

I hope you don't mind that I declined the beautiful Lady Galadriel's nomination yesterday during the first White Council meeting. While I am very happy to be a member, I did not think myself suited to becoming its head. Of course, I was deeply honored by the idea. Especially after the numerous times Lady Galadriel and Lord Elrond repeated the nomination, until finally relenting and naming you as second choice. I must say, it was a great relief that you accepted the job! I think this Council will do an excellent job as a means for the Wise (us) to confer and decide how best to oversee Good in Middle-earth.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Rivendell

Date: August 8th, TA 2463

Indeed. How wonderful to be second choice. It is a good thing I am not a jealous sort. I find myself reminded of the time Cirdan chose to give you the Red Ring of Fire instead of me, all those years ago when we first came to Middle-earth. Of course, I can see how it must have been an obvious decision. Who else would be a suitable bearer or one of the three Elvish Rings of Power but Gandalf the Grey? Imagine the ridiculousness if it had been bestowed upon anyone else.

The head of our Order, say.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Rivendell, specifically the kitchens because the cakes just came out of the ovens

Date: August 8th, TA 2463

Oh, that does bring back memories. I have always tried to act with proper responsibility towards my charge.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Rivendell

Date: August 8th, TA 2463

On that note, Gandalf, you need to stop using the Red Ring of Fire to light your pipe.

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><p><strong>Author's Note: While I love Tolkien's world (I show my love with horrible parodies) I'm no Tolkien scholar, so if I've erred from canon (besides, um, making the Wizards secret agents), please let me know in the comments!<strong>


	2. Chapter 2

_The following reports are extracted from the TA 2463 files._

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><p>Agent: Gandalf the Grey<p>

Location: Rivendell

Date: October 10th, TA 2463

I think the first official meeting of the White Council went very well! We arranged the rest of the officer positions, discussed the murmurs of unrest in Dol Guldur, then broke for snacks.

Radagast said he had an urgent squirrel problem he had to see to, so he gave me the minutes to pass on to you.

I must thank Lord Elrond for hosting us, especially as the red wine (a Second Age vintage, if I remember correctly) was most fine.

By the way, why weren't the Blues there?

_Attached document: Minutes for White Council meeting the First, attended by Saruman the White (President), the Lady Galadriel (Vice President), Lord Elrond (Treasurer), Radagast the Brown (Secretary) and Gandalf the White. _

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Rivendell

Date: October 10th, TA 2463

You don't have to write reports for events I also attended, Gandalf. I was there. I know what happened.

I have the minutes right in front of me. I can't read any of it. Can Radagast actually write? Does anyone know?

Do tell him he's not allowed to bring animals to the meetings anymore.

And the Blue Wizards are still on assignment in the Eastern Lands. They have been there for almost two thousand years. I understand certain minor details of our Mission escape you, Gandalf, so I will repeat. _Two thousand years_. Try not to forget next time. Again.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Lord Elrond's library, Rivendell

Date: October 10th, TA 2463

Oh, of course! What a daft old fool I am! It's probably for the best that I wasn't voted in as an officer in the Council- imagine! Yes, it's much better that I not be given too much responsibility or duties.

I do miss the Blues most terribly, though. Even though I never could keep them straight. They didn't _both_ have to be Blue. Perhaps Turquise and Aquamarine. That would be very stylish.

And there can't be any good Pipe-weed in the East, of course. Poor things.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Rivendell

Date: October 10th, TA 2463

Are you truly still smoking that nonsense? I had thought it was a phase.

That reminds me: I am updating our budgetary records, and as you continue to insist that the Halfling's Leaf be considered a business expense, I will need to know the exact shop which you procure it from. Merely for financial reasons, you understand. I haven't the slightest desire to start up that disgusting habit myself.

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><p><em>The following reports are extracted from the TA 2759 files.<em>

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><p>Agent: Gandalf the Grey<p>

Location: A pub in Bree

Date: I prefer raisins, myself.

My dear Saruman! Congratulations on becoming Warden of the Tower! I am sure the Gondorians are overjoyed to have you.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: March 7th, TA 2759

Indeed. We can't all be wanderers, Gandalf. I believe it is past time I claimed myself a seat of authority of my own.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Another pub in Bree

Date: March 10th, TA 2759

… I understood that Steward Beren placed you there with his permission, merely as a representative. After all, we are meant to be humble helpers for the Free People of Middle-earth. Right?

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: March 14th, TA 2759

Of course. My word choice was poor.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Who knew Bree had this many pubs?

Date: March 16th, TA 2759

Oh, obviously! I was wondering, are you going to redecorate? I imagine the tower Orthanc would look stunning in plum.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isenard

Date: March 18th, TA 2759

No, Gandalf.

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><p><em>The following reports are extracted from the TA 2850 files.<em>

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><p>Agent: Saruman the White<p>

Location: Isengard

Date: February 1st, TA 2850

Gandalf, I need your report on the scouting mission to Dol Guldur.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: A surprisingly comfortable ditch

Date: February 3rd, TA 2850

Since we've got the meeting coming up, I thought I would just report to the entire Council at once. I'm on my way!

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: February 6th, TA 2850

Nevertheless, I believe it would be more efficient if you provided me with a report prior to our meeting. It is vital the proper people have the information as soon as possible, so that planning may begin.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: An abandonded farmhouse, I think

Date: Mid-Febraury, TA 2850

Fair enough. I've sent copies to the Lady Galadriel, Lord Elrond and Radagast as well. Wouldn't want them to be kept in the dark!

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: February 20th, TA 2850

No. We certainly wouldn't want that.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Rivendell

Date: April 19th, TA 2850

Another excellent meeting! And just as you'd thought, things did go much quicker since I didn't have to explain that upon entry to Dol Guldur, it was very clear that Sauron was there! The lady Galadriel and Lord Elrond immediately put for the motion that we ought to attack, and drive the foul presence out. Radagast made an odd humming noise, which I took to mean he was in favor. Then you argued that there was no need. Which… I must admit, that seemed odd. Almost as odd as you wanting me to give you the information to you only, months in advance of the others.

But I'm sure you, the wisest of our Order, know best.

Indeed, you managed to convince all of us to hold off an attack. It was a very eloquent speech.

Then we broke for snacks.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Rivendell

Date: April 19th, TA 2850

Again, Gandalf. I was there.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: None of this is mine. All rights belong to the great J.R.R. Tolkien and Peter Jackson.**

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><p><em>The following reports are extracted from the TA 2941 files.<em>

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><p>Agent: Gandalf the Grey<p>

Location: Arda, almost certainly

Date: January something, TA 2941

Saruman! I've just had the most excellent idea! Do you remember a few centuries back, when that Smaug fellow smashed right into Erebor? The Lonely Mountain and Dale have never been the same since. A nasty business.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: January 6th, TA 2941

Indeed. I am given to understand that the Men of Dale are no more, and the Dwarves are refugees.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Still Arda

Date: mid-January, TA 2941

Well! I think we should help the Dwarves reclaim their ancient homeland!

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: January 10th, TA 2941

What.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: January 10th, TA 2941

Why.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Near Bree

Date: February 11th, TA 2941

Merely out of the goodness of my heart, of course. I think it is far past time such a proud people be able to return to their home.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: February 12th, TA 2941

Gandalf.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Nearer Bree

Date: February 13th, TA 2941

And, well, perhaps I grow worried that if Sauron _is_ returning, he will bring Smaug to his side. A dragon would make a fearful enemy.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: February 13th, TA 2941

I can assure you, we have no need to fear that Sauron has come back in full force.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Nearerer Bree

Date: February 15th, TA 2941

Yes, you keep _saying_ that. But what if he has!

And getting rid of Smaug isn't my only reason. Ha! As if I would ever do anything for _one_ reason! By reinstating the King under the Mountain and the King of Dale, we would have two strong allies to act as a buffer against any hypothetical attack Sauron might make in the East of Middle-earth.

And the new kings might find they owe the Istari a debt or two.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: February 16th, TA 2941

Do you even know if these lost heirs are still alive?

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Bree

Date: February 18th, TA 2941

Don't worry! Thror's grandson is in the Blue Mountains. And there's a descendant of Girion's in Lake-town. I do like to keep track of the lost heirs of ancient kingdoms, you know. There always seem to be such a dreadful many of them.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: February 20th, TA 2941

I forbid this madcap scheme, Gandalf. To risk the ire of a dragon is a foolish plan.

Agent: Ganalf the Grey

Location: Bree

Date: March 15th, TA 2941

I met young Thorin Oakenshield in Bree today! We just happened to be at the same inn! What a coincidence! He seems a bit reserved, but he listens to logic.

"Well now," I said. "This is a fine chance. What brings Thorin Oakenshield to Bree?"

He stared at me a bit. It's understandable. Not often a Dwarf gets to see a living legend like myself! But when he finally recovered, Thorin replied that he had heard rumors of his father wandering about the Wilds. He is positive that Thrain yet lives.

Well. I couldn't exactly tell him about the Dwarf I found in Dol Guldur, tortured into madness by the orcs, could I? Thrain- for I am convinced it had been Thorin's father- hadn't been able to remember his own name, let alone his son's, when I came across him. But he still had hold of a very curious map and a key.

I am still holding on to them. I didn't deem the time quite right to return them to Thorin. Maybe when there's a larger audience.

Thorin still looked despondent, so I felt he needed a good speech. Now, Saruman, you know I pride myself on my plain speaking (we can't all have your silver tongue!) but I am not incapable of a few rousing phrases when the occasion calls for it.

"Thorin," I said, "You can wait no longer. You are the heir to the Throne of Durin. Unite the armies of the Dwarves. Together, you have the might and power to retake Erebor. Summon a meeting of the seven Dwarf families. Demand they stand by their oath."

" The seven armies swore that oath to the one who wields the King's Jewel: the Arkenstone. It is the only thing that will unite them, and in case you have forgotten, that jewel was stolen by Smaug." Thorin gave a rather impressive glower. It was obvious _he_ had not.

"What if I were to help you reclaim it?"

There was a glimmer of interest in the exiled prince's eyes. "How? The Arkenstone lies half a world away, buried beneath the feet of a fire-breathing dragon."

There! He was hooked!

"Yes, it does." I took a breath for a dramatic pause. "Which is why we're going to need a Burglar."

When I left a bit later, we'd hashed out a plan: Thorin would seek the aid of his allies among the seven clans, and then bring them to tea at my old friend Bilbo's. There, I would explain the rest of the plan. I left him the address (Thorin didn't seem overwhelmed when he learned my choice for burglar was a Hobbit). He shouldn't have any trouble finding the place.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: March 16th, TA 2941

_Gandalf_. I gave you _strict orders_ not to continue this plan of retaking the Lonely Mountain.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: A garden

Date: Late March, TA 2941

You did? Oh, goodness. I certainly didn't receive that letter. It must have gotten lost in the mail. What a shame.

Oh, well. It's far too late to go back now. If only I had gotten that order.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: The Shire

Date: April 25th, TA 2941

I saw my favorite Hobbit this morning! He's changed! I remember only a few decades ago, when Belladonna Baggins was still alive, he was quite the adventurous scamp. He appears to have grown complacent and entirely respectable! I merely told him "I'm looking for someone to share in an adventure," and he turned started stammering!

"No," he said, after choking on pipe smoke. "I don't imagine anyone west of Bree would have much interest in adventures. Nasty, disturbing, uncomfortable things. Make you late for dinner."

Even when he remembered who I was, at least partly ("Gandalf the wandering Wizard who made such excellent fireworks" indeed), he only puffed himself up like a fussy little bird.

"We do not want any adventures here, thank you!"

Now I can't have that.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: April 25th, TA 2941

Mortals change, Gandalf. It is rather what they are known for.

It does seem that you will have to call your "adventure" off, if the Burglar is disinclined to join you.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: The Shire

Date: April 25th, TA 2941

Never fear! I'm sure once he meets Thorin's group he will change his mind quickly enough.

Which is why I marked his door on my way out. I scratched a "Burglar for Hire" rune. At least, I think that's what I wrote. My Khuzdul is a bit rusty. It is entirely possible I wrote "Abode of King Thranduil."

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: April 25th, TA 2941

Remind me to sign you up for remedial Khuzdul.

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><p><strong>Author's Note: "Never interrupt a Hobbit mid-smoke" really should be up there with "Never laugh at sleeping dragons."<strong>


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: None of this is mine. All rights belong to the great J.R.R. Tolkien and Peter Jackson.**

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><p><em>The following reports are extracted from the TA 2941 files.<em>

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><p>Agent: Gandalf the Grey<p>

Location: The Shire

Date: April 26th, TA 2941

Today's the day! I spent last night in a very comfortable ditch. Now I'm in the Shire on the way to Bilbo's. I've run into some of the Ered Luin Dwarves. Quite a motley crew. Rather odd, I'll admit. They say Thorin himself will be at Bag End with news of the allies he could get from the other Dwarven kingdoms, and they believe some of their number (those also from the Blue Mountains) are some distance ahead of us. I tell you, I can't wait to see who I'll have to work with! Truly, this will be a mighty Quest. Imagine the songs that will be told: the mighty Dwarf king returned to his throne, his fearsome army… and, of course, the wise Wizard who began it all.

We got to talking, as you do. Well, as I do, anyway. One never does know the knowledge that can be gained from the unlikeliest of conversation partners! The eight I am with currently are a varied lot, hailing from three families. They are somewhat interesting, at least for Dwarves.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: April 26th, TA 2941

I am not interested in the life stories your new compantions, Gandalf.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: The Shire

Date: April 26th, TA 2941

The first two introduced to me are brothers: Oin and Gloin, rather high up in the Durin line of nobility. Or they would be, if the Durins were still kings in Erebor. It speaks well of Thorin that he was able to get such important people to join him. Oin, the eldest, is a healer as well as a sort of seer; he says he sees portents. I thought to give him a little test and ask him what signs he saw on the road, but unfortunately his poor hearing decided to act up again, and no matter how I shouted in his ear-horn he simply couldn't make out what I was saying. Gloin, his flame-haired brother, is that rare find: a married Dwarf. I know this because he was quick to tell me about his wife and young son. In great detail. You will be interested to hear, I'm sure, that the Mrs. Gloin and little Gimli are both the brightest jewels ever crafted by Mahal, and none can equal them. Gimli _would_ have made an excellent addition to the Quest, obviously, but is just too young. Such a shame. Apparently he was upset about being left behind. Oin muttered something that sounded like "crying," but it was hard to tell, since Gloin kept reassuring me that his son "bore the disappointment with a warrior's stoic heart."

Then there are three brothers, also of Ereborian stock but living among the refugees in Ered Luin. Dori, Nori and Ori are their names. Ah, the charming Dwarvish naming custom! What a quaint tradition. Dori acts like a mother hen, always worrying about his younger brothers- especially Ori, the youngest and a promising scribe (according to Dori). Ori didn't say much to me, but there was a great deal of awed staring. I approve of the lad. It does a Wizard's soul good to be the recipient of some awe. I am not so sure about the middle brother, Nori. Firstly, he has a ridiculous star-shaped set of braids. And secondly, I caught him trying to lift my pipe on three separate occasions during our walk. Each time, Dori smacked him, and my property was returned.

Then (I know I am going on about these Dwarves, but humor an old Wizard!) there was another grouping of three: Bifur, Bofur and Bombur. The first is a cousin, and seems very highly regarded among the Dwarves. He was wounded in the Battle of Azanulbizar; he has a piece of axe in his head! It is certainly very striking. Unfortunately, his injury means that he can only speak ancient Khuzdul, which is difficult even for me. Not that outsiders are supposed to know any Khuzdul, of course. But Bifur seems to understand Westron well enough. It's a shame, though. Imagine the stories he has to tell! His cousins, the brothers Bofur and Bombur, are very different. Bofur is almost annoyingly cheerful, with a ridiculous winged hat. Bombur is a portly fellow, red-haired and quiet. He is also married. While he wasn't as quick to sing his wife's praises as Gloin (thank the Valar), he looked all sorts of dreamy when saying her name.

I think they are all male, but even I have a hard time discerning Dwarvish genders. I think I'll just refer to them all as "he" for now.

They told me of four other Ered Luin Dwarves they knew were coming: Balin (Thorin's main adviser), Dwalin (Balin's brother and Thorin's Captain of the Guard), Fili and Kili. I'll admit I was shocked to hear that Thorin is dragging both of his heirs on the Quest. It seems a bit foolhardy. But Bofur (the chattering hatted one) says trying to separate the princes is like trying to shape a diamond with a mattock. I nodded and assume this translates to "really hard." I did have to ask how they managed to persuade their mother to remain behind. Even I have heard rumors of the formidable Lady Dis, Thorin's sister. I still haven't gotten a straight answer, but overheard a few mutters- something about "horrible" and "so much shouting." I don't think I will probe any farther.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: April 26th, TA 2941

Please do not waste report forms unless something of import has happened.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: The Shire

Date: April 26th, TA 2941

But Bofur was trying to get me to join in a walking song! I needed an excuse. And if writing a report means that I can answer Bofur's "Oh, please, Mister Wizard, sir! I bet you're a right songbird!" with "I have important matters of Wizardry to attend to, Master Dwarf," then write a report I shall. Singing songs is very un-Wizardly.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: April 26th, TA 2941

Do not use vital I.S.T.A.R.I. field communication as an excuse to avoid talking to commoners. Perhaps you should try not starting conversations with unimportant peoples in the first place.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Bag End

Date: Still April 26th, TA 2941

We have finally reached Bilbo's little smial. It was marvelous- the Dwarves were so eager to get inside (we could all smell the food) they crowded in a mass at the door, so when Bilbo opened it, they all tumbled in. Most amusing.

Bilbo seems a bit overwhelmed. And with only twelve Dwarves so far! Wait until he sees the rest! I wonder how many there will be? I'd meant to be the last, myself, for dramatic effect, you understand. But oh, well. The four Dwarves that arrived before us have already found the pantry. Good lads. Ah, here's Dori with a cup of chamomile. Though, after looking around, I feel I may be in need of something stronger. It's already a press of bodies in here. I don't envy Bilbo for having to host this lot! I try never to be the host, personally. Far too much work. I prefer to attend others' gatherings. More free food and the chance for dramatic entrances.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: April 26th, TA 2941

Are you seriously expecting your humble Hobbit to provide food and lodging for a horde of Dwarves?

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Bag End

Date: April 26th, TA 2941

Well, I'm sure some of them can camp outside, and I find it's very easy to pick among the Hobbits' gardens- the gates are low. And it's entirely possible Thorin won't be arriving with all the rest of his army. I think it would make a great deal of sense for us to meet them on the way out. They could take rooms in Bree, perhaps.

I'm eating some very good food. Though Bilbo has, surprisingly for a Hobbit host, prepared really very little. But we've managed a good rifle through the pantry and have settled ourselves quite nicely. Dori managed to find a delightful vintage of red wine; he has an impressive palate for a Dwarf.

I found a moment to chat with Balin and Dwalin. Well, perhaps "chat" is too generous a word for Dwalin. While his elder brother is a polite fellow, Dwalin (all bald and covered in tattoos and muscles and scowl) tended to just glare at me, looking very grumpy that he had to look up to do so. Perhaps it is just his neutral expression. I do think I saw the hint of a grin when Bilbo placed the biscuits on the table. Note to self: explore biscuits as a possible source of bribery/distraction in regards to one Dwalin, son of Fundin. Just in case.

Fili and Kili are shockingly young. Fili is blond, while Kili is darker. Or perhaps it's the other way around. I'm already getting them confused. They smile a lot, but I'm not sure they're the brightest sorts. Bilbo, while bustling past with another plate of pasties, hissed "The brown-haired one called me Mr. Boggins!" He looked very offended. Of course, I might have more sympathy if I didn't know for a fact that he constantly calls the Proudfeet clan "Proudfoots." It is something he picked up from Belladonna.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Bag End's wine closet, looking for more of that red

Date: April 26th, TA 2941

I am slowly realizing that the twelve here are absolutely all of the Ered Luin Dwarves that Thorin has convinced to join the Quest.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Bag End's wine closet, seriously I need more wine for this

Date: April 26th, TA 2941

Dain better have provided a lot.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: April 26th, TA 2941

It isn't too late to call off this adventure of yours, Gandalf.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Bag End's dining room

Date: April 26th, TA 2941

Oh, splendid! The Dwarves have decided to start up a little song! As long as I'm not expected to participate, I'm perfectly happy to sit in my corner and nod along as dishes and silverware go whizzing about. Do the Dwarves practice this? They have excellent hand-eye coordination. Bilbo doesn't seem happy, but he's looked stressed this entire party. At least he has excellent taste in wines.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Bag End

Date: Yes, still April 26th, TA 2941

Thorin got lost and so got to be the one who showed up at last. Very majestic. Shall have to learn some of his tricks.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: April 26th, TA 2941

And your overly detailed reports about some Hobbit party are still more interesting than Radagast's. Yesterday he sent me twelve pages about some ferret's molting problem, or some other nonsense. There was an attached envelope of the shed fur.

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><p><strong>Author's Note: The views and opinions expressed by Agents Gandalf the Grey and Saruman the White are those of the individual agents and do not necessarily reflect those of the author, who happens to think the dwarves are pretty darn cool. Also, I'm far too lazy to type all the dwarves' names properly (meaning their accents).<strong>


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: None of this is mine. All rights belong to the great J.R.R. Tolkien and Peter Jackson.**

* * *

><p><em>The following reports are extracted from the TA 2941 files.<em>

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><p>Agent: Gandalf the Grey<p>

Location: Bilbo's entryway

Date: April 26th, TA 2941

That entrance of Thorin's was like nothing I have ever seen. We had just been laughing (well, my Hobbit was doing what I believe he considered a glare), but then three solid knocks on the door cut through our mirth, changing the entire atmosphere into one of utter seriousness. I raised my head in the sudden silence and spoke two words, heavy with meaning.

"He's here."

The door opened and there, in the night, stood Thorin Oakenshield, King In Exile. Descendant of Durin, eldest of the seven Dwarf fathers. Leader of the Quest to retake Erebor. While we all stared, clustered in Bilbo's entryway, he gave me the polite nod of one important personage to another. "Gandalf," he said, and stepped inside.

It was a marvelous first impression. If only he'd stopped there.

"I thought you said this place would be easy to find. I lost my way, twice. I wouldn't have found it at all had it not been for that mark on the door."

Not everyone can have my gift for dramatic entrances, I suppose.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: April 26th, TA 2941

If only we all had your effortless knack for enigmatic statements and appearances, Gandalf.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Bilbo's entryway

Date: April 26th, TA 2941

You flatter me, my dear Saruman. It's really very simple! Just practice a few hours every day with a little hand-mirror. I like to keep mine in my hat, next to my emergency stash of Pipe-weed.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Bilbo's entryway. Rather awkward.

Date: April 26th, TA 2941

Well. Thorin has continued his less-than-stellar impression. I don't think he quite realizes that we still need to convince Bilbo that he ought to go on an adventure. After I- quite smoothly- overrode Bilbo's protests ("Mark? There's no mark on that door! It was painted a week ago!") I introduced the king and the burglar. After which Thorin Oakenhead proceeded to interrogate _my_ pick for the Company. Now, I understand why he might be a little leery of taking on a Companion who isn't exactly a trained warrior, but is he truly doubting _me_? Bilbo Baggins is full of potential! He's going to be an Adventurer anyone would be proud to travel with, I can tell! He-

"Well, I have some skill at Conkers, if you must know, but I fail to see why that's relevant."

Oh, dear me.

Thorin cemented what I can already see is going to be a terrible relationship with, "Thought as much. He looks more like a grocer than a burglar," and then stomping off to the dining room, where I believe a bowl of stew had been kept warm. I could only shrug at Bilbo, who looked rather as though he were contemplating the possible use of doilies as murder weapons.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: April 26th, TA 2941

It might be considered wise, Gandalf, to stop this fool's quest before it ends in inevitable failure. If the leader of the company and your burglar cannot work together, I must regrettably inform you that I am ordering the end of this operation.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Bilbo's dining room. Dwalin's hoarding the biscuits.

Date: April 26th, TA 2941

Thorin Oakenshield had barely begun digging into his supper when I made my way back to the dining room. Bilbo chose to hover murderously somewhere behind Thorin, worrying his suspenders.

You'll be sad to hear, Saruman, that my fears were correct: although envoys from all seven kingdoms of the Dwarves attended Thorin's meeting, there will be no other members of the Company of Thorin Oakenshield. Even Dain, his cousin and lord of the Iron Hills, refuses to give aid. What a fool! Thank goodness he isn't king of Durin's folk, eh? Luckily (and due to a Wizardly enigmatic expression) I managed to nod seriously and I don't think anyone thought I was ever under the impression more were coming.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: April 26th, TA 2941

Gandalf.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Bilbo's dining room

Date: Still April 26th, TA 2941

Luckily, Bilbo managed to break the tension by asking, "You're going on a quest?" I spread out my map- Dwalin very helpfully pulled the jar of biscuits out of my way and closer to himself.

Gloin proudly announced that, "Oin has read the portents, and the portents say it is time." Well, no, a _Wizard_ told you it was time.

But before I could set things straight, Oin (who I could have sworn should have had trouble with such a relatively quiet statement) told us of the way ravens had been winging their way back to the mountain. Apparently, it was foretold that "when the birds of old retun to Erebor, the reign of the beast will end." I must admit I don't recall this particular prophecy. It is probably one of those I spread myself, though. It sounds rather like me: grand, mysterious, and gratifyingly vague on the details.

"What _beast_?" asked Bilbo. The word seemed to shock him out of grumpily trying to stare the back of Thorin's head into spontaneous combustion.

Bofur, the chatty one with the hat, decided to be helpful.

"Well that would be a reference to Smaug the Terrible, chiefest and greatest calamity of our age. Airborne fire-breather, teeth like razors, claws like meathooks, extremely fond of precious metals."

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: April 26th, TA 2941

Gandalf.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Bilbo's dining room

Date: It hasn't changed.

Apparently that truly accurate and entirely unnecessary description was some kind of challenge for mortals, because Bilbo huffed, "Yes, I know what a dragon is," and then little Ori jumped up from his seat.

" I'm not afraid! I'm up for it! I'll give him a taste of the Dwarvish iron right up his jacksy!" Most of us just stared, I'll admit. Ori was positively quivering with well-intentioned bravado. I have no idea where that came from. He'd been so nice and quiet up till then! His brothers barely blinked, though. Nori, the thief with the star-shaped hair, just sat there snickering, while their older brother hissed "Sit down!" and pulled Ori back to his chair with a thump.

I think we all decided to ignore the outburst. Balin, Thorin's adviser and the oldest of the Company, cleared his throat. (I called him "Young Balin" once, and the look on his face! It only lasted a split second, though, before he put on a diplomatically neutral expression. I have decided to call him that at every possible opportunity. But I digress.)

Balin expressed hesitance that only thirteen Dwarves (why does no one ever count my Hobbit?) could complete the Quest. Of course, he was perfectly right, but that didn't stop everyone from furiously denying it. Dwarves: brave and stubborn to the point of stupidity.

I was feeling pleasantly superior until Thorin's dark-haired nephew said, "We have a wizard in our Company! Gandalf will have killed hundreds of dragons in his time!"

Well. That isn't… _exactly_ true.

While I stalled and had just thought of a brilliant escape plan, Thorin interrupted with a very nice speech. I don't really remember. I wasn't listening.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: April 26th, TA 2941

Gandalf.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Bag End. Who hangs a chandelier this low?

Date: The never-ending April 26th, TA 2941

Yet again, though, Young Balin had to rain on the parade. "You forget," he said, "The front door is sealed. There is no way into the mountain." Ah! Now was the time to regain my status in this group. I had been holding onto the key long enough, anyway. Now was as dramatic a time as any.

"That, my dear Balin, is not entirely true."

Even Thorin looked awed when he saw the key in my hand. Good.

I formally handed him the key. Of course, if it wasn't Thorin, one of his nephews _would_ ruin the moment.

"If there is a key," said the blond one, "there must be a door!"

Well done. The Lady Dis must be so proud.

I tried to salvage the situation by gesturing grandly at the map. "These runes speak of a hidden passage to the lower halls."

The brunet one piped up. "There's another way in!"

Maybe Lady Dis didn't have to be persuaded to let her sons join the dangers of a Quest. Maybe she kicked them out herself.

When I first met the Dwarves on the road, some of them told me that Oin delivered his nephew, Gloin's much beloved Gimli. Then the Dwarf healer promptly dropped the babe on his head. I must ask if Oin also delivered the King's nephews. It would certainly explain some things.

"If we can find it," I said. "Dwarf doors are invisible when closed. The answer lies hidden somewhere in this map and I do not have the skill to find it. But there are others in Middle-earth who can. The task I have in mind will require a great deal of stealth, and no small amount of courage. But, if we are careful and clever, I believe it can be done."

Ori made the connection first. Perhaps he will be a good scholar for the journey. I hope so; I do enjoy a good record of my more famous missions.

"That's why we need a burglar," he said.

Bilbo nodded. "And a good one, too. An expert, I'd imagine."

Gloin focused in on my little Hobbit from across the table. "And are you?"

"Am I what?" asked Bilbo. Oh dear.

Oin bellowed, "He said he's an expert!" I could swear I saw him grin. I am beginning to doubt the truth of his hearing difficulties.

Bilbo sputtered. "Me? No, no, no! I'm not a burglar! I've never stolen a thing in my life!"

Must everyone doubt my decisions? Even my Hobbit, now! Bilbo nodded vigorously when the brothers Balin and Dwalin said he was in no way suited for the Quest. Then the entire sorry lot of Dwarves fell to arguing. I let the shouting grow until I could bear it no more.

Time for a show of some serious Wizard power.

I rose from my seat, straightening to my full height, instead of the slouch I adopt when I find it useful to pass myself off as a harmless old Man. I called up an aura of darkness and cloaked myself in shadows. To top it all off, I imbued my voice with a nice bit of my power as a Maia, a spirit of Illuvatar and chosen by the Valar to oversee the course of all Middle-earth.

"Enough!" I roared. "If I say Bilbo Baggins is a burglar, then a burglar he is!"

Ringing silence. Excellent.

I let the darkness recede and slumped back into my more usual posture. The entire Company remained frozen. This old fellow still has it.

I gave a little speech, all about how Hobbits are entirely useful in matters of stealth, and I know that Bilbo Baggins has "a great deal more to offer than any of you know, including himself." No questions about my choice for burglar.

Thorin sighed majestically. I think he was eager to end the long conversation. He had finished his bowl of stew a while ago, and looked tired. It must be exhausting, wandering around as simple a place as the Shire, lost. Twice.

"Very well," he said, "We'll do it your way." Obviously. "Give him the contract."

While Bilbo muttered over legal language, Thorin leaned towards me to speak to me in relative privacy. "I cannot guarantee his safety."

"Understood," I said.

"Nor will I be responsible for his fate."

"Agreed." Not that I really have much fear for Bilbo. It was true, what I said. Hobbits are excellent at sneaking about. And if he doesn't come back to his smial, well, I'm sure he'll be grateful that I pushed him out of his comfort zone!

Just then, Thorin and I realized that Bofur was chattering away.

"Flash of light, searing pain, then _poof_!" Bilbo looked green. Bofur continued heedlessly. "You're nothing more than a pile of ash!"

"Nope," said Bilbo.

And crumpled to the floor in a faint.

"You're very helpful, Bofur," I said.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: April 26th, TA 2941

_Gandalf._

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: In which Thorin and Bilbo meet, and are not exactly best friends at first sight.<strong>

**Author's Other Note: Hahaha this entire fic was supposed to be five chapters for the entire first movie hahaha. Ha.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: None of this is mine. All rights belong to the great J.R.R. Tolkien and Peter Jackson.**

* * *

><p><em>The following reports are extracted from the TA 2941 files.<em>

* * *

><p>Agent: Gandalf the Grey<p>

Location: A sitting room

Date: April 26th, TA 2941

After my Hobbit had his little fainting spell, there was a bit of muttering. Oin peered at him and then grunted.

"No harm done. Just shock. Since _some people_" (here he glared at Bofur) "can't keep from gabbing." Bofur, who looked very contrite, came running and tugged Bilbo into an armchair. Then the Dwarves, clearly assuming Bilbo was a lost cause, returned to the dinner table and their drinks.

I sighed. But Dwarves always do expect the worst. I've no idea why. This Wizard, however, is not so ready to succumb to pessimism.

I saw that one of the Dwarves had tea, rather than ale or mead. "Ah, Dori!" I said. "Excellent!" Dori looked up at me, then down at his mug.

"Oh! Mister Gandalf. Would you like another cup of chamomile? This one's freshly brewed. It would be no trouble at all to set another to steep for yourself."

"Thank you ever so," I said. "The fresh one will do nicely."

"Well," he said. "I'm sure when a Wizard needs his tea, he needs his tea."

I took the mug. "Now that you mention it, I _would_ like my own cup. Make one for me when you're in the kitchen, would you? I should get this to Bilbo."

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: April 26th, TA 2941

Please do not submit reports until you are finished antagonizing your traveling companions and tending to Hobbits, Gandalf.

Disclaimer: None of this is mine. All rights belong to the great J.R.R. Tolkien and Peter Jackson.

* * *

><p><em>The following reports are extracted from the TA 2941 files.<em>

* * *

><p>Agent: Gandalf the Grey<p>

Location: A sitting room

Date: April 26th, TA 2941

Bilbo woke up soon enough and sat, clutching his mug as though he intended to never leave his armchair again.

"I'll be all right," he said. "Just let me sit quietly for a moment."

Ridiculous creature. I scoffed. "You've been sitting quietly for far too long." I tried to remind him of what an adventurous young lad he'd been only a few decades ago, but he merely shook his head.

"I can't just go running off into the blue! I am a Baggins, of Bag End."

I stared. What would his mother have said, if she'd heard that nonsense! "You are also a Took. Did you know that your great-great-great-great-uncle, Bullroarer Took, was so large he could ride a real horse?" (I remember Bullroarer fondly. Not too bright, but always ready for a scrape.) Bilbo muttered something. I wasn't listening. "Well, he could! In the Battle of Green Fields, he charged the goblin ranks! He swung his club so hard it knocked the Goblin King's head clean off, and it sailed a hundred yards through the air and went down a rabbit hole. And thus the battle was won, and the game of golf invented at the same time."

Bilbo goggled. Good.

"I do believe you made that up," he said.

No trust anymore! Honestly, Saruman, when did people grow so cynical?

I waffled. "Well, all good stories deserve embellishment. You'll have a tale or two to tell of your own when you come back!"

Bilbo grew suddenly serious. "Can you promise that I will come back?"

I thought about remarking that he hadn't added 'if I go' to that question, but then decided it wasn't the opportune time. Instead I adopted an intense expression. "No. And if you do, you will not be the same."

Bilbo stared at me.

"That's what I thought," he sighed. "Sorry, Gandalf, I can't sign this. You've got the wrong Hobbit."

Well. Perhaps I should have made a joke, instead.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Sitting room

Date: April 26th, TA 2941 (Unless it's midnight. It feels like midnight.)

And it had been such a good evening up until then! I turned to look at the Dwarves. Young Balin and Thorin were speaking. Then Thorin pulled away, looking determined.

I decided it was a prime moment for a bit of eavesdropping.

Thorin spoke. "I will take each and every one of these Dwarves over an army from the Iron Hills. For when I called upon them, they came. Loyalty. Honor. A willing heart. I can ask no more than that."

Well, of course, he _had_ asked for more. And been flatly denied. But I imagine he was going for inspirational.

I saw Bofur sniffle. Bombur gave him a comforting pat.

Balin, obviously, wanted one more go at ending this before it could truly begin.

"You don't have to do this. You have a choice. You've done honorably by our people. You have built a new life for us in the Blue Mountains, a life of peace and plenty. A life that is worth more than all the gold in Erebor."

Agent: Saruman the White

Locaition: Isengard

Date: April 26th, TA 2941 (It is not yet midnight)

I advise you listen to the Dwarf.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Dining room at Bag End

Date: April 26th, TA 2941

Indeed you are right, Saruman! For when Thorin spoke next, even I found myself nodding along.

Thorin Oakenshield held out the key. "From my grandfather to my father, this has come to me! They dreamt of the day when the dwarves of Erebor would reclaim their homeland. There is no choice, Balin. Not for me."

Balin gave a low bow, smiling. "Then we are with you, laddie. We will see it done."

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Bilbo's living room

Date: April 26th, TA 2941

Bifur oversaw the clearing of plates and food, and then we all retired to the living room for an after-dinner smoke.

Well, no, now everyone's humming. I do hope I am not expected to join.

Not that I know this melody. Perhaps it is a traditional Dwarvish tune.

It's all very solemn. Ah! Now Thorin is beginning to sing. I am scribbling the lyrics as I hear them.

"_Far over the misty mountains cold_

_To dungeons deep and caverns old_

_We must away ere break of day_

_To find our long-forgotten gold."_

Oh. This is about the fall of Erebor. The others have joined in.

"_The pines were roaring on the height_

_The winds were moaning in the night_

_The fire was red, it flaming spread_

_The trees like torches blazed with light"_

Quite lovely, in a haunting way. Though I do not imagine that having his sleep disturbed by a Dwarf-song will make Bilbo amenable to joining us. Still, I appreciate a nice bit of a capella as much as the next Wizard.

Only bashed my head on the ceiling three times today!

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: April 26th, TA 2941

You _are_ aware that I detest singing, correct?

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: The outskirts of Hobbiton

Date: April 27th, TA 2941 (finally!)

It is a subdued Company that I ride with this morning. I have heard some murmurs of _"Only thirteen. Unlucky, that,_" until Dwalin glared at all and sundry. Thorin plods on ahead, a brooding lump.

Agent: Gandalf the Gray

Location: A horse

Date: April 27th, TA 2941

It was Bofur, of course, who broke the silence. "I have to say, all, I was sort of hoping that Hobbit fellow would join us. Make for an interesting traveling companion, a Hobbit would!"

"What if he's actually traveling with us right now, only we wouldn't know it, since Mr. Gandalf _did_ say they can creep about as though invisible!" said Ori. The nephews both stared at the young scribe, then exchanged wide-eyed glances before twisting around and peering all about them.

Gloin snorted. "Gentlefolk like that should stay where they are. This is Dwarf business. Leave it to the Dwarves."

The brunet one was craning to look under his pony.

"Dwarves like Dain?" muttered Nori. Not quietly enough, for his older brother Dori whapped him on the shoulder.

"Ow!" yelped Nori. "Gerrof!"

"Do you think Hobbits can become completely invisible?" That was one of the princes.

"Oooh! Maybe that's why they eat so much- they need the energy!" And the other, never far behind.

We all ignored them, except for Bofur, who cocked his head and was obviously trying to imagine how that would work.

Nori finally kicked his pony a few lengths away from his brother. Then, quickly, with Dori still glaring and Ori furiously ignoring his brothers in favor of giggling at the nephews, he changed the subject. The thief started spinning a knife idly between his fingers. " 'Course... Do we all really think the Burglar isn't coming?"

"Well, he sounded certain. I wouldn't think he changed his mind about the contract, do you?" said one of the nephews. The blond one. I must learn to tell them apart. "What happened to the contract, Balin? Did you pack it up?"

Young Balin, who had been riding somewhat ahead, closer to Thorin and Dwalin, turned to face the back of the group. "I didn't, no. I had hoped..."

Nori jumped in. "So can I put you down for summat in the Hobbit's favor?"

The old adviser paused for a beat, then smiled. "Odds?"

"Ohhhh, ten against, I think."

"Fair enough. Two on the Hobbit burglar." He flicked a coin over- Nori caught it and squirreled it away under his jerkin.

"Any others?" said the thief. "I'm putting in six that he'll never show, myself. But anyone else wants to make a foolish bet, I won't stop you!"

There was a quick flurry of money exchanging hands. I dug in my pouch and decided to add my own bit. For Bilbo, of course.

Nori, grinning, called up to the front. "Guard captain? Y'majesty? Can I put you down for a copper piece?"

Thorin kept resolutely facing forwards, but under his fur coat, his shoulders crept skyward. Dwalin whirled around and glared at us all. (Even me!)

"Quiet, Thief. You mock serious matters."

Nori grumbled, but didn't retort. Dwalin nodded and turned back.

There was a moment of silence, with most of the Dwarves looking guilty. Then, still not turning from staring at the road ahead, Thoin growled "The Hobbit is not with us, as Dain is not. Leave him to his garden and his kitchen. We will continue, as we always do. But do not think on the Hobbit with false hope."

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: The same horse

Date: April 27th, TA 2941

I do believe I hear something.  
>"Waaaaaait!"<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: <strong>**Watch Gandalf take all the credit (for the good things)**.


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: None of this is mine. All rights belong to the great J.R.R. Tolkien and Peter Jackson.**

**I can't believe I haven't done this until now- endless thanks and praise to my amazing beta, Ranubis****. He's incredibly patient with me, and hasn't even stooped to murder (yet) every time he gets off work to find eight million texts of meta and "oh no this chapter is horrible why."**

* * *

><p><em>The following reports are extracted from the TA 2941 files.<em>

* * *

><p>Agent: Gandalf the Grey<p>

Location: Still on a horse

Date: April 27th, TA 2941

"Wait! Wait!"

I _knew_ it. My Hobbit is a born Adventurer. He just needed me to remind him of that.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: I'm going to name my horse Margaret.

Date: April 27th, TA 2941

There was some incredulous staring, but we've all reined to a stop to allow our Hobbit (our Burlgar!) to catch up. The mood is much improved! I believe we're all pleased to see that Bilbo changed his mind, thanks to my wise council the night before.

Well, perhaps the princes look a bit disappointed that Bilbo cannot, in fact, render himself invisible.

Ah! Bilbo has finally reached us. I must say, he's rather overdressed for a journey of our length, and I highly doubt he's properly packed. Well. He can learn on the way! I've always found it's best to learn new things as one is doing them, rather than prepare and plan to excess. Often, if you stride through as though you know what it is you are doing, others tend to believe you. And it has worked out well for me over the years!

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: April 27th, TA 2941

This explains many things, Gandalf.

Although I hesitate to criticize the universality of your personal philosophy, do you think it is appropriate to expect your, shall I say, "system" to apply to a Hobbit as well as to one of the Maiar?

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Margaret is a much more dignified name than Minty.

Date: April 27th, TA 2941

I'll have to get back to you in a moment.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Margaret the horse

Date: April 27th, TA 2941

Bilbo is currently hunched over, wheezing.

I'm sure he'll be fine.

He just needs to catch his breath.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Margaret

Date: April 27th, TA 2941

There! His face is barely red at all now! He's shoved the contract at Balin.

"I signed it!"

What a capital fellow.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: April 27th, TA 2941

How wonderful that your gaggle of Dwarves have acquired such an excellent addition to their Company.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: April 27th, TA 2941

What does one call a group of Dwarves? A flock? A pod?

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Margaret

Date: April 27th, TA 2941

A herd? Ooh! A rumble!

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: April 27th, TA 2941

Do not become sidetracked, Gandalf.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Margaret

Date: April 27th, TA 2941

Perhaps an avalanche. Lots of rocks falling, you know?

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: April 27th, TA 2941

Enough, Gandalf. You should not have introduced the topic.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Margaret

Date: April 27th, TA 2941

But I could have sworn you asked the question first.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: April 27th, TA 2941

I assure you that, as usual, the waste of time and report forms was initiated by yourself. I have the series of reports on my desk in front of me.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Margaret

Date: April 27th, TA 2941

Well, who am I to argue with the head of our Order?

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: April 27th, TA 2941

Precisely.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Margaret

Date: April 27th, TA 2941

But as I was saying! Bilbo finally turned a more comfortable color in the time it took Young Balin to examine the newly signed contract. Balin nodded, tucked away the contract and his pocket-glass, and smiled at Bilbo.

"Everything appears to be in order," he said. "Welcome, Master Baggins, to the company of Thorin Oakenshield."

The Dwarves (excepting Thorin) let out a cheer.

"Give him a pony," grunted the esteemed leader of the Company.

Bilbo's complexion, which had just faded from red to a sort of healthy pink, shot right on through to ghostly white.

"No, no, no!" he stammered. "That won't be necessary, thank you, but I-I'm sure I can keep up on foot. I've done my fair share of walking holidays, you know. I even got as far as Frogmorton once-"

Fili and Kili rode up, one to either side, and without a word, swooped down and deposited him on a pony. They looked very pleased with themselves and rode on, giggling.

I am fairly certain that princes, even exiled ones, should not giggle.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Margaret

Date: April 27th, TA 2941

Bilbo looks entirely uncomfortable on his pony. The Dwarves, however, were happy to ignore him and turn to the important things in life.

Oin, the white-haired healer with the ear-trumpet, looked triumphant. "Come on, Nori. Pay up. Go on!"

Nori tossed a sack of money to Oin.

Soon enough, money-bags were flying all about the place.

Bilbo stared. "What's that about?"

"Oh," I said. "They took wagers on whether or not you'd turn up. Most of them bet that you wouldn't."

"What did you think?"

I was a bit distracted because Dori was hissing urgently at his brother, fiercely poking him in the side. All I caught was "…sure you gave back _all_ the coins?"

"Hmmm," I said, to buy time. I had to turn away, though, and miss the end of that little episode, when my own winnings came flying at my face. I managed to catch it and tuck it away in my bag. "My dear fellow. I never doubted you for a second."

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: April 27th, TA 2941

I am pleased to hear you have come into new wealth. I assume that this means you will no longer need to resort of official business accounts to purchase Pipe-weed and ales for strangers.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Scant yards from where we started back up again.

Date: April 27th, TA 2941

I am trying to ignore Bilo's rather pitiful sneezing (something about horse hair?) in favor of (carefully) watching the three 'Urs. They are having a lively conversation entirely in Iglishmek, the Dwarvish sign language. Of course, it is just as secret as their spoken language of Khuzdul, and entirely forbidden to outsiders. Which is why I am currently watching as much as I can. As Bifur, cousin to Bombur and Bofur, is unable to speak Westron, his conversations are relegated to ancient Khuzdul and Iglishmek. I expect they would be heartily displeased if they knew how much I was learning! So far, I believe I have seen the signs for 'want a beer' and 'infant Hobbit.'

Bilbo is still sneezing, and now he is digging into his waistcoat pocket for something.

Now he has stopped, and looks horrified.

Is he dying?

"No! No! Wait! Wait, stop! Stop! We have to turn around!"

We've all come to a sudden stop of surprised horses, Dwarves demanding answers, and one distraught Hobbit.

Sadly, the Iglishmek conversation has stopped.

I've turned to Bilbo.

"What on earth is the matter?"

"I forgot my handkerchief."

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: On the path

Date: I am afraid the 27th is going to be as long as the 26th.

You will be happy to learn that the crisis was averted when Bofur tore a bit of his coat-lining (Dori looked scandalized) and tossed it at Bilbo.

Bofur grinned. "Here! Use this!" There was a great deal of laughter and then we began moving once again.

I loomed over Bilbo until he stopped looking at his new "handkerchief" in well-bred horror. "You'll have to manage without pocket-handkerchiefs and a good many other things, Bilbo Baggins, before we reach our Journey's end. You were born to the rolling hills and little rivers of the Shire, but home is now behind you; the world is ahead."

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: April 27th, TA 2941

Truly an inspiring speech.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: Bilbo says a group of Dwarves is called "an unwashed mass."<strong>


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: None of this is mine. All rights belong to the great J.R.R. Tolkien and Peter Jackson.**

* * *

><p><em>The following reports are extracted from the TA 2941 files.<em>

* * *

><p>Agent: Gandalf the Grey<p>

Location: A field

Date: May 1st, TA 2941

Thorin keeps holding the map upside down.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: In camp

Date: Late May, I think

We have only just stopped to make evening camp. I have placed myself quite comfortably against a tree, smoking my pipe and looking out over the Company. Everyone (except myself, of course) is engaged in all the little activities of setting up bedding and preparing the evening meal. It is hard to believe, but we have already been traveling together for a month! All of the Dwarves knew each other to some extent, from virtue of living in the Blue Mountains settlement. But there are friendships and small groups growing. It is most interesting to watch! I must encourage this; we have not yet faced danger exceeding inclement weather and biting insects. Thorin and his fellows must become a Company in more than name if they are to survive this Quest.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: May 30th, TA 2941

Fascinating.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Margaret, my dignified horse

Date: Early June?

Though I am worried about my Hobbit's place in the group. And, to be honest (as I always strive to be), his attitude is not entirely helpful! He finally stopped his endless complaining ("But this isn't a real handkerchief! What do you mean, Dwarves eat only three times a day? This is absolutely uncivilized.") after the first week, but after that he slid into what I can only describe as a sulk. However, Hobbits are a surviving folk, and eventually his Tookishness had to make an appearance. Now he _is_ trying, I believe. But even after a month of travel, there is quite a bit to overcome.

The majority of the Dwarves (Thorin) cannot see Bilbo as anything outside of their first impression: a fussy, overly-comfortable, soft creature. Which is… well, true. But I chose him! Does my opinion count for nothing in this Company?

Some of the Dwarves are making their best attempts, especially the younger crowd. The princes view Bilbo as a sort of entertaining oddity, as I understand it. Though I do not believe they will ever be able to overcome their disappointment at the lack of invisibility. Still, they are eager to ride next to him and ask all sorts of questions. That they never really wait for an answer is beside the point. Ori also asks questions, and most of them are better than "Why do your ears look like an elf's?" or "Hey! You're sneaky! Will you sneak up behind Mister Dwalin for us? It'll be hilarious!"

Bilbo gets along rather well with Bombur, the Company cook, and Dori, the oldest of the 'Ri brothers. Bombur and my Hobbit enjoy talking about Bombur's numerous children, as well as recipes. Bilbo often assists at the cook-fires when we camp. He very politely ignored it when Dwalin muttered that was all the use the Hobbit would be on the Quest. Bilbo tried to win him over with an extra helping of vegetables in that evening's stew, but for some reason it didn't help. Dori, of course, was entirely grateful that someone else knows the difference between a cross stitch and a running stitch. And, he said, has an appreciation for hygiene.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: June 2nd, TA 2941

I _am _glad you are so concerned with the good opinion of Dwarves, Gandalf.

Did those with "an appreciation for hygiene" include yourself?

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Some river of some sort

Date: June 4th, TA 2941

I find Pipe-weed covers most odors, actually!

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: June 5th, TA 2941

Of course you do.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Camp

Date: June 7th, TA 2941

The problem is that, still, Bilbo has not been entirely accepted among the Company. They are Dwarves, of course. An exceptionally secretive and unfriendly lot! But this cannot continue for the entirety of the journey. Though I don't know what it will take for them to stop viewing him as an outsider.

And it doesn't help that yesterday, while Balin and Thorin were in a huddle up ahead, having a quiet conversation (hissing argument) over which direction to take, Bilbo decided it might be a good idea to sidle up and "help."

"Excuse me," he said. "But I _am_ rather skilled at maps. I have quite the collection back home in the Shire! If we are lost, maybe I could be some assistance?"

Thorin just glared at him until he went away.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Camp

Date: The same day

On second thought, that might not have been the best time to approach Oakenshield and remind him that we are still unable to read his grandfather's map.

"I _do_ have an old friend who may be able to help us…"

Thorin grunted. "And why does that not surprise me."

"A certain Lord Elrond."

Balin stiffened, gave Thorin a sidelong look, then said, "I think I have heard that name before."

Thorin turned to his advisor, completely ignoring (!) me. "What have you heard of him, Balin?"

"Well. I have never personally met him, but I understand the Lord Elrond is a warrior of much renown. He resides not far from here, if I am not wrong." Ever the diplomat, our young Balin.

I nodded wisely. "This is true. You could reach the Valley of Imladris is only a month's journey from here, perhaps less."

Thorin looked at me. "Imladris."

"Well, in Westron it is called Rivendell."

"You mean to seek counsel from the _Elves._"

"Now Thorin, your unreasonable dislike of all Elvenkind-"

At that, the Exiled King glared with enough fury to make even _me_ stop talking. Which I did. A wise Wizard knows when to pick his battles. Besides, we have some weeks to go in which I am sure I can talk Thorin around.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: June 7th, TA 2941

Gandalf. We are to have a meeting of the White Council on Midsummer's. I expect you to be there.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Margaret, my dignified horse

Date: June 9th, TA 2941

Of course! I would never dream of missing a meeting!

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Some rocky outcropping

Date: June 9th, TA 2941

Another day's journey done! Most everyone is asleep. Gloin, younger brother to the Company healer and endlessly proud father, turned in right after building this evening's fire. Bilbo was pleased; he got to eat Gloin's share of dinner, as well as his own.

Though I do not think that goodwill will last the night, as I can see Bilbo is still awake, due to Gloin. The Dwarf has a terribly loud snore. And he is inhaling insects each time he does so. Bilbo looks disgusted. A Dwarf would have given in by now and thrown something at Gloin's head in hopes of peace. Perhaps a rock. Dwarves have tremendously thick skulls.

But Bilbo, ever a Hobbit, has decided to go for a walk, instead. He's snuck over to his pony, Myrtle. Ah! He has a smuggled apple. Well, the others (Thorin) wouldn't be so happy at this waste of provisions, but I am only smiling. It is a very good smile, with elements of amusement and pride, wrapped up with age-old wisdom. It is another of my practiced expressions. I am only pleased that Bilbo has gotten over his distaste for riding.

He's whispering to Myrtle while she eats the apple. It is charming. A shame Fili and Kili aren't watching.

Which they should be, as this is their shift to take watch. Instead, they're facing each other, probably telling ridiculous jokes to each other. Perhaps planning on the best way to steal an old man's Pipe-weed again. The last time I caught the brunet one with his hand halfway in my weed pouch I called upon a cloud of darkness. Then I threatened to turn him into a frog. I am not actually sure if I can do this, but if the youngsters try anything I cannot be held accountable for my actions.

Perhaps I could tell their uncle that they completely missed the Hobbit get up in the middle of the night, walk across camp, and feed a smuggled apple to his pony. That would be an excellent revenge.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: June 9th, TA 2941

Truly, a fearsome vengeance for one of the I.S.T.A.R.I.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Camp

Date: June 9th, TA 2941

What was that noise?

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: June 9th, TA 2941

I do not know, Gandalf. I'm in Isengard.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Camp

Date: June 9th, TA 2941

Ah, but did you appreciate my dramatic moment?

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: June 9th, TA 2941

Gandalf.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Camp

Date: June 9th, TA 2941

Well, you should have seen the Hobbit jump! Most amusing.

He ran over to the princes.

"What was that?"

Thorin's nephews didn't even glance at each other before they both adopted frightened expressions. The brunet one leaned in and spoke solemnly.

"Orcs."

Bilbo whimpered.

Now, of course I, a well-seasoned traveler, know that sound to be nothing but a wolf. But Bilbo's face was a picture! I doubt Mr. Baggins has ever seen an orc in his life. I am perfectly willing to let this little prank of the brothers' continue a bit longer. We all appreciate a bit of harmless fun!

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Camp

Date: June 9th, TA 2941

"Throat-cutters." That's the blond one. "There'll be dozens of them out there. The lowlands are crawling with them."

The other one's picked up, right on cue. "They strike in the wee small hours, when everyone's asleep. Quick and quiet. No screams, just lots of blood."

And that's as long as they can keep a straight face. They've just looked at each other and burst into peals of laughter. I am allowing myself one dignified chuckle. Most amusing, indeed!

"You think that's funny?"

Bother.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Camp

Date: June 9th, TA 2941

Thorin must have woken up at the laughter. He stomped over, looking positively murderous. "You think that's funny? You think a night raid by orcs is a joke?"

His nephews positively wilted. Bilbo didn't look much relieved to learn that they had been joking; perhaps because he was suddenly being treated to an angry Thorin scarce feet away.

I must admit I felt some approval, watching Thorin lecture his nephews. What had they been thinking, mocking my poor Hobbit? For shame.

The brunet one (Fili?) tried to provide some defense.

"We didn't mean anything by it."

Thorin was not appeased. "No, you didn't. You know nothing of the world."

At any other time, I believe the boys would have bristled at an insinuation that they weren't well-traveled adults. Instead, they just gave ridiculously big, sad eyes. Which Thorin completely ignored to stalk over to the edge of the cliff and pose.

Not a bad pose, to be fair. Sort of regal, with hints of a tortured past.

The Dwarves that hadn't been woken by the princes' laughter were awake by now, after Thorin's lecture. Young Balin walked over.

"Don't mind him, laddie. Thorin has more cause than most to hate orcs. After the dragon took the Lonely Mountain, King Thror tried to reclaim the ancient dwarf kingdom of Moria. But our enemy had got there first."

Then he went into a very long-winded explanation of Thorin's backstory. The princes and Bilbo were enthralled through the entire tale. I didn't really listen. Something about an Azog and lots of fighting. Not bad, as tragic histories go.

Thorin posed throughout the entirety. He turned back to look majestically at the assembled Company right as Balin finished. Perhaps they rehearsed it.

Bilbo, of course, had a question.

"But the pale orc?" (The Azog one, I think. Or perhaps that was the oak tree. There was an oak tree involved in some way.) "What happened to him?"

Thorin sneered. "He slunk back into the hole whence he came. That filth died of his wounds long ago."

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: June 10th, TA 2941

Of course he did.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: Thank you, Ranubis! The King of all fanfiction, the King of proper tone, the Lord of punctuation, my thanks to you alone.<strong>


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: None of this is mine. All rights belong to the great J.R.R. Tolkien and Peter Jackson.**

* * *

><p><em>The following reports are extracted from the TA 2941 files.<em>

* * *

><p>Agent: Gandalf the Grey<p>

Location: A forest. A wet forest.

Date: It's raining.

We are riding single-file on an old path. I feel rather as though I am among a line of ducklings. Ducklings would be happier to be out in all this wet, of course. Though I have my Wizard hat and the others have hoods, still we are soaked and cold. And in a few hours we will bed down in the mud. Still, Bilbo looks like a sort of drowned chipmunk, so there is some entertainment for myself. And, also, the Dwarves, who are very vain for such a craggy-faced people, keep sighting gustily over soaked hair and beards. Except the brunet prince, of course. He has been tilting his head up into the rain, trying to catch raindrops in his mouth and shaking his wet hair like a pony. I am not even sure that one owns a comb.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Same wet forest

Date: Still raining.

"Here, Mister Gandalf, can't you do something about this deluge?"

That was Dori, hunched over and as wet as the rest of us, sadly poking at his careful braids, now ruined. I rolled my eyes.

"It is raining, Master Dwarf, and it will continue to rain until the rain is done." He looked upset to know I apparently had no control over the very heavens. "If you wish to change the weather of the world, you should find yourself another wizard." Now, if someone needs a nice flame or a pinch of wise counsel or even a few fireworks, that I can do.

Agent: Saurman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: June 10th, TA 2941

I.S.T.A.R.I. was not founded to ease the small complaints of a Dwarf's bad hair day.

Our powers are great and ought only be called upon in the direst of straits.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Rain, Rain

Date: Go away

Exactly! Why, last week I simply could not get my pipe to light- there was such an awful wind, you know. Thank goodness for my ring.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: June 10th, TA 2941

That was not the sort of need I had in mind.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Come again

Date: Some other day

Well, while Dori seemed content to simply huff a bit but accept my answer, Bilbo spoke up.

"Are there any?"

"What?" I said.

"Other wizards?" Bilbo clarified. At that, of course, all the Dwarves perked up a bit and leaned in, eager to her about the great I.S.T.A.R.I. And I, obviously, am always happy to share my knowledge with the less wise.

"There are five of us," I said, trying to ignore the fact that I felt rather like a schoolteacher lecturing to fourteen small, rather hairy men. "The greatest of our order is Saruman, the White. Then there are the two Blue Wizards." I paused. "You know, I've quite forgotten their names."

"And who is the fifth?" asked Bilbo.

"Well, that would be Radagast, the Brown." I still have no idea why he chose that color. There is nothing composed or soothing about it, like gray.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: June10th, TA 2941

Or symbolic of illuminating purpose, like white.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: I should have brought an umbrella.

Date: Maybe a small one I could strap to my hat.

Indeed. But the Hobbit was uninsterested in color symbolism, sadly. Hobbits.

"Is he a great Wizard or is he…" Bilbo hesitated, and I looked at him gently, trying to show in my expression that though I am a great Wizard, still do I hear the speech of the common folk, for I was taught by the Vala Nienna herself.

"… more like you?"

Excuse me! Did they not see my awesome display of magics that dinner at Bilbo's? What more do they want from me?

But I was careful not to look offended. I only replied, without any stiffness at all, "I think he's a very great wizard, in his own way." And if his way is a little strange, well… "He's a gentle soul who prefers the company of animals to others. He keeps a watchful eye over the vast forest lands to the East, and a good thing, too, for always Evil will look to find a foothold in this world."

There. That ought to remind him (and the wildly eavesdropping Dwarves) that there was much danger still to come. And they'd better be properly grateful to be escorted by a Wizard, by the Valar!

But of course, I made sure to tell them that you are the greatest of our order.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: June 15th, TA 2941

Thank you, Gandalf. With two of our number gone for millennia, Radagast busy eating strange mushrooms and mumbling to animals, and yourself, I am quite honored to be named the best of stiff competition.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Fields?

Date: June 17th, TA 2941

Well, even if it is only we two, I believe we present a suitable show of great power and dignity, eh, old friend?

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: June 18th, TA 2941

Of course.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: The evening's camp

Date: June something

Still, despite their grumbling, I think I could grow fond of this Company.

Agent: Gandlaf the Grey

Location: A ways away from the camp

Date: I don't even care

Thorin Oakenshield, humph! Thorin _Stubbornshield_, more like! Thorin Not-King-Under-the-Mountain-Just-Yet-Bucko! Thorin I-Always-Know-Best!

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: June 19th, TA 2941

What is it this time.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: I am contemplating the stubbornness of Dwarves.

Date: Far away from said Dwarves.

We had just begun setting up camp for the night- Fili and Kili were sent to watch the ponies, Gloin began making the fire, Nori glared suspiciously at any possible hiding spots for assasins or thieves- when I moved to offer Thorin some advice.

I looked out at the abandonded ruins of a farmhouse that we were using as some shelter from the wind. "A farmer and his family used to live here," I mused, amidst the gruff orders and sounds of unpacking.

When no one listened to my ominous statement, I turned to Thorin to speak directly. Dwarves are terrible at hints.

"I think it would be wiser to move on. We could make for the Hidden Valley."

I have been dropping hints (less and less subtle as the months went on) that we ought to go to Imladris. And still Thorin refuses. All because of some petty vendetta against the king of Mirkwood. How that led to a hatred of the entire Elven race I have no idea.

"I have told you already, I will not go near that place," said Thorin.

I sighed. "Why not? The elves could help us. We could get food, rest, advice."

"I do not need their advice."

Yes. Yes you do. I tried again. "We have a map that we cannot read. Lord Elrond could help us."

But Thorin only looked more stubborn, if that is possible. "Help? A dragon attacks Erebor, what _help_ came from the Elves? Orcs plunder Moria, desecrate our sacred halls, the Elves looked on and did _nothing_. You ask me to seek out the very people who betrayed my grandfather and betrayed my father."

"You are neither of them. I did not give you that map and key for you to hold on to the past."

He only looked at me. "I did not know that they were yours to give."

It is an argument we have been having over in over, in just about that format, since the first time I mentioned the Lord Elrond. This time, the Dwarf caused me to completely lose my temper, and I marched thunderously away towards the trees, and away from the whole wretched issue. Of course, Bilbo popped up in front of me, completely ruining my momentum, but he just looked at me worriedly, hands wringing the way they do when he feels things are not under control. (It has happened often throughout the duration of this Quest.)

"Everything alright?" Obviously, things were _not _alright, as he could tell from my expression (and behind me, I am sure, Thorin was glowering even more than usual). "Gandalf, where are you going?"

"To seek the company of the only one around here who's got any sense," I said.

"Who's that?" asked Bilbo, as I swept around him.

I pitched my voice over my shoulder, so the Hobbit (and all the rest) could hear.

"Myself, Mr. Baggins! I've had enough of Dwarves for one day!"

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: I am sitting on a log.

Date: June 19th, TA 2941

In short, I would like to report that Thorin Oakenshield, son of Thrain, son of Thror, King of Durin's Folk, is a right fool. He still doesn't want to ask the Lord Elrond for any aid. But I have to go to the White Council. _Galadriel will be there_.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: June 19th, TA 2941

You are not allowed to miss Council. You have used up your three excused absences this century. And all three were to smoke Pipe-weed with friends down at the pub.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Log

Date: June 19th, TA 2941

I was making connections with potentially influential persons.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: June 19th, TA 2941

No, Gandalf.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: It's the first week in February, and I'm still writing 2014.<strong>


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: None of this is mine. All rights belong to the great J.R.R. Tolkien and Peter Jackson.**

**I've said this before, but it bears repeating, you guys. Ranubis is the best.**

* * *

><p><em>The following reports are extracted from the TA 2941 files.<em>

* * *

><p>Agent: Gandalf the Grey<p>

Location: Behind a rock

Date: June 20th, TA 2941

Well! This is certainly a turn of events!

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: June 20th, TA 2941

Yes, Gandalf?

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Behind a rock

Date: June 20th, TA 2941

So! As you know, after an episode of typical Thorin pigheadedness, I marched away from the Company for a moment of solemn reflection.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: June 20th, TA 2941

Yes…

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Behind a rock

Date: June 20th, TA 2941

But I got bored, and I left my Pipe-weed by my pack, back in camp. So I was practicing my fireworks, as I do.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: June 20th, TA 2941

Stop using the Red Ring of Fire to make fireworks.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Behind a rock

Date: June 20th, TA 2941

Then, suddenly, I heard this awful ruckus! I went to go look, and what do you know! The Company had gotten themselves captured by Trolls. Probably the ones who had destroyed the farmhouse (and almost certainly eaten its former inhabitants).

That's what you get when you drive your Wizard away.

I hadn't the slightest idea how it had happened, but there were three Trolls in a little clearing, sitting around a cookfire and arguing. And tied to a spit, in sacks, were Dwalin, Bofur, Bifur and the 'Ri brothers! I looked a bit to the side, and the rest (including a furiously un-majestic Thorin) were piled on the ground, also in sacks, only their heads poking out.

It certainly isn't a sight one sees every day. I slipped behind a large tree to observe.

The Trolls were arguing about how best to prepare the Dwarves. They were almost drowned out by the Dwarves themselves, who were roaring battle-cries and insults, beards bristling in fury. I don't know exactly how they hoped shouting about the Trolls' mothers and wriggling like particularly hairy slugs was going to do anything, but that's Dwarves for you.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: June 20th, TA 2941

How are your thirteen Dwarves (and one Hobbit) supposed to face a dragon if they can't defeat three Trolls?

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Behind a rock

Date: June 20th, TA 2941

We have plenty of time yet. I only need to think of a brilliant escape plan. Which is why I am currently hiding behind this rock, watching the proceedings and strategizing.

"Never mind the seasoning! We ain't got all night! Dawn ain't far away, so let's get a move on. I don't fancy being turned to stone." One of the Trolls just said that.

Ah! I only have to-

"Wait! You are making a terrible mistake!"

What?

Bilbo has struggled up to his feet, still in the sack, his little white face peeping out from the top.

"Uh, I meant with the, uh, with, uh, with the seasoning."

Bilbo, stop talking. I am trying to devise a rescue.

"What about the seasoning?"

Are the Trolls _conversing _with him now?

"Well, have you smelled them?" Bilbo is shaking, but somehow his voice is still steady. "You're going to need something stronger than sage before you plate this lot up."

Oh! I understand now! Bilbo is trying to distract them! Indeed, if he can keep the trolls out in the open, with the first ray of sunrise… We didn't make camp until extremely late, and the sun rises early this time of the year…

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: June 20th, TA 2941

This is ridiculous.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Behind a rock

Date: June 20th, TA 2941

The Dwarves are not as quick as I am to realize Bilbo's scheme. They have all started wriggling even more furiously after the sage insult. Now they're yelling at him, of course. I do believe the blond nephew is trying to bite at Bilbo's ankles.

But the Trolls are, _somehow_, still talking to Bilbo. Though the poor lad is extremely flustered, and obviously didn't plan his distraction very well. I had a much better idea, but I am willing to sit back and supervise, for now.

Bilbo is stammering. "Uh. Th- the secret to cooking Dwarf is, um-"

"Yes? Come on."

"It's, uh-"

"Tell us the secret."

"Ye- yes, I'm telling you, the secret is…" An awful pause. Then, "…to skin them first!"

The Dwarves have exploded with another roar of anger.

"Tom, get me the filleting knife."

But the other two aren't quite so convinced.

In fact, after protesting a bit, one of the Trolls has plucked Bombur from the pile and dangled the Dwarf over his mouth, in order to simply eat him alive and raw. Bombur is upside down, his face as red as his hair.

I'm getting a bit sore, crouching behind this rock, but I might as well wait and see what happens next.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: June 20th, TA 2941

I am breathless with anticipation.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Behind a rock

Date: June 20th, TA 2941

Bilbo seems to have recovered his voice. I wonder what he's going to say?

"Not- not that one, he- he's infected!"

I must admit, that was not what I expected.

The Trolls have stilled. "You what?"

Bilbo is saying, nodding his head vigorously, "Yeah, He's got worms in his … tubes."

The Troll holding Bombur has just tossed him back into the pile, but before he can grab another, Bilbo is speaking again.

"In- in fact they all have, they're in- infested with parasites. It's a terrible business; I wouldn't risk it, I really wouldn't."

Cue offended Dwarves.

Oin: "Parasites, did he say parasites?" The deaf old healer sounds heartily insulted.

The brunet prince is simply offended, as if Mr. Boggins has done him some great injustice. "We don't have parasites! _You_ have parasites!"

All of the Dwarves are chiming in, roaring that they certainly don't have parasites, and how could Bilbo think that.

Oh, look! There's a bit of sun just over the horizon! This rock I'm hiding behind is blocking it, though. Do you know, I believe I could just smash it clean in two, and let the morning sunlight hit the Trolls and turn them to stone.

But Bilbo's frantic excuses are simply too entertaining. I'll wait a bit, for a better, more climactic moment.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: June 20th, TA 2941

Remind me to never require a rescue from you.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Behind a rock

Date: June 20th, TA 2941

Bilbo is rolling his eyes so hard I think he's completely forgotten to be afraid. But, just now, I can see Thorin's eyes widen in understanding. About time.

He's reared back (as best he can, in a sack, and oh! how I wish I had paper to sketch this scene) to kick the Dwarves around him. Even Dwarf skin can feel steel-toed boots, and the Dwarves in the pile stared at their King for a second before realization dawned for all.

Oin is shouting "I've got parasites as big as my arm!" and the brunet prince is suddenly yelping "Mine are the biggest parasites! I've got _huge_ parasites!"

The Dwarves on the spit have also caught on. The 'Ri brothers are describing the horrors of being "riddled" with parasites.

Hmmm. The sun is higher, but not… _quite_ right. Bilbo seems to have it all under control, anyway.

"You think I don't know what you're up to? This little ferret is taking us for fools!"

Or not.

Well, I suppose that's my cue.

Agent: Gandlaf the Grey

Location: The Trolls' Clearing

Date: June 20th, TA 2941

You will be happy to know, Saruman, that I saved the day.

When the tension was at a fever pitch, I clambered on top of the rock and raised my staff high, presenting a very impressive figure, I must say. "The dawn will take you all!" I proclaimed, and then brought my staff down with a _crack_ and a burst of light as the entire rock split in half and sunlight streamed into the clearing. The Trolls shrieked in agony and flung their hands up in front of their faces, but it was too late. There was a sudden silence, and the Company stared in awe at the three giant stone statues that now stood where the Trolls had been.

They cheered for me, Saruman. I expect they'll listen to me more now, after I saved them single-handedly from becoming a Troll's supper!

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: June 20th, TA 2941

Congratulations.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: Hey, I'm Gandalf. Stealing your loot and your XP.<strong>


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: None of this is mine. All rights belong to the great J.R.R. Tolkien and Peter Jackson.**

* * *

><p><em>The following reports are extracted from the TA 2941 files.<em>

* * *

><p>Agent: Gandalf the Grey<p>

Location: The Trolls' Clearing

Date: June

Apparently the Dwarvish reaction to near-death is to clamber happily out of sacks, thump each other on the back, and then loudly wonder whether Troll-stone would make a suitable building material. There were a few congratulatory pats for Mr. Baggins, as well. He appears to be stuck between shock at his own audacity, and pride. I am very pleased with his assistance.

Of course, Thorin would be the one to be unaffected by the general merrymaking. He looked his usual serious self. Though I did see his eyes flick over to his nephews. As they were busy trying to climb one of the statues at the time, I believe he deemed them unharmed. Familial duty taken care of, he resumed his favorite hobby: arguing with me.

"Where did you go to, if I may ask?" The words were polite in themselves, but I must say, the growling didn't help.

"To look ahead."

"What brought you back?"

I looked down my nose at him. "Looking behind." Thorin merely stood, stone-faced, obviously expecting me to elaborate.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: The Trolls' Clearing

Date: Still June

Hmm. Stone-faced. A stone-faced Dwarf.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: June 20th, TA 2941

Gandalf.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: The Trolls' Clearing

Date: June

I turned away from the glowering Dwarf to look out over the Company (the blond nephew was trying to give the other one a boost, and Bifur was tapping on a stone knee). "Nasty business," I said, gesturing at the Trolls and the remains of the fire, where the Dwarves had almost met their fate. "Still, they are all in one piece."

"No thanks to your burglar," grumbled Thorin.

"He had the sense to play for time. None of the rest of you thought of that."

Thorin had the grace to look slightly less thunderous. We both turned to look at the statues, where Bofur was declaring the stone "not bad for foundation work, or summat of the like."

"They must have come down from the Ettenmoors," I said.

"Since when do mountain trolls venture this far south?" Thorin asked.

"Oh, not for an Age, not since a darker power ruled these lands."

As one, we looked at each other.

"They could not have moved in daylight," I said.

"There must be a cave nearby."

We were in perfect agreement.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: The Trolls' Clearing

Date: Is it July yet?

Let that never happen again.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: June 20th, TA 2941

Indeed.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: The Trolls' Cave

Date: Still June, apparently

Oh, this is disgusting. I can't believe this. Why is there such a stench? Do Trolls know nothing about cleanliness? Even the Dwarves don't smell this bad.

The Dwarves themselves are walking (stomping) cautiously inside. Little Bilbo is sort of waffling at the threshold, Hobbit nose scrunched up in a deeply judgmental way.

Oh look, there's treasure!

Sure enough, the sight of the Trolls' hoard has got the Dwarves venturing inside more eagerly. Bilbo looks just as reluctant.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: June 20th, TA 2941

Why are you in a Troll cave, Gandalf.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: The Troll Cave

Date: June 20th, TA 2941

There might be interesting treasures within! You never do know.

Still, I had to caution the Dwarves from being too eager to wade in.

"It's a Troll hoard," I said. "Be careful what you touch."

Bofur hitched his thumbs in his belt and gave the piles of loot a good once-over.

"Seems a shame just to leave it lyin' around. Anyone could take it."

Gloin, with his bankers' heart, looked entirely too pleased with himself. "Agreed," he said. "Nori, get a shovel."

Then we ransacked the Trolls' cave.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Troll Cave

Date: June 20th, TA 2941

I wasn't sure where to begin my own treasure-hunt. For, as you know, I am only a simple Maia, with no great longings for the trappings of wealth or power, content to wander through Middle-earth with nothing more than the clothes on my back and a bit of Pipe-weed.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: June 20th, TA 2941

Is that why you are always asking strangers for food, then? What a fascinating discovery.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Troll Cave

Date: June still

Indeed, I had little desire to obtain any treasure of my own, so when I saw that Thorin had uncovered two stunning swords of ancient make, I meandered over. Merely for academical purposes, you understand. They looked to be historical artifacts.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: June 20th, TA 2941

Of course.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Troll Cave

Date: June 20th, TA 2941

"These swords were not made by any Troll," said Thorin.

Well done, Thorin. Clearly, Dwarves are blessed weaponsmiths.

I decided to be more charitable when Thorin handed one of the swords to me. He had had a very traumatic day.

"Nor were they made by any smith among men," I said.

When I drew my sword from its sheath a few inches, the incredible craftsmanship and elegant engravings made it clear what I was looking at. You know I did incredibly well in "Ancient Weapons, Elvish Make" training. And what I was looking at was an obvious example from the course handbook, chapter two, in the "Hidden Cities" subsection.

"These were forged in Gondolin, by the High Elves of the First Age," I said. Really quite impressive. They were created long before you or I ever stepped foot in Middle-earth, Saruman!

And Thorin's face was a picture. Very amusing indeed, watching the Exiled King struggle with the Dwarvish appreciation for metalwork, and his own hatred of Elves. He looked a bit like a child who has put something nasty in their mouth.

I sighed. "You could not wish for a finer blade."

Thorin looked at me suspiciously, but in the end he decided to hold onto it.

I looked up from examining my own sword to see Bofur, Gloin and Nori huddled over a chest of treasure, which they were carefully lowering into a just-dug hole. Dwalin was watching, looking fiercely disapproving, but it wasn't as though he was stopping it. Gloin didn't look ashamed at all. "We're makin' a long-term deposit," he said.

Thorin, obviously still in a foul mood, barked at the Company to move on. I made to walk out of the cave as well. Not, mind you, because Thorin Oakenshield had told me to. I had decided to leave just when he said it.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: June 20th, TA 2941

I do not require a play-by-play of your shopping trip.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Back in the Trolls' clearing

Date: June

But! Before I could leave the cave, I stepped on something. Not bone, thank goodness. It glinted. So I brushed some of the rotten leaves aside, and what do you suppose I found?

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: June 20th, TA 2941

What, Gandalf. Whatever could it be.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: The Trolls' Clearing

Date: June 20th, TA 2941

It was a dagger! Though, proportionately, more like a miniscule sword. It was adorable. There were even little silver leaves on the hilt. I hurried over to Bilbo, who was sitting on a rock, trying to breathe through his mouth. I handed him the sword.

"Here! This is about your size."

Bilbo blinked. "I can't take this."

Nonsense. "The blade is of Elvish make, which means it will glow blue when orcs or goblins are nearby." This didn't really seem to change his mind, but I thrust the sword at him anyway.

"I have never used a sword in my life!" he protested.

I put on my serious look. "And I hope you never have to. But if you do, remember this: true courage is about knowing not when to take a life, but when to spare one."

Bilbo stared at his new sword. I'm sure he just needs little time to appreciate it. The lad deserves a treat.

Besides, it wasn't my size.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: June 20th, TA 2941

Yes, but have you convinced Thorin to go to Rivendell. You cannot miss the meeting.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Troll Clearing

Date: June 20th, TA 2941

Well, no. Not as yet. But I believe that trickery and my legendary cleverness will see that through. Also, there are rumors of Orcs and Warg-Scouts in these parts. I imagine they'd be most obliging and herd us towards the Last Homely House.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: June 20th, TA 2941

And how do you know that.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Troll Clearing

Date: June 20th, TA 2941

Oh, I know people.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: I actually have my own little Sting (thanks, Ranubis!) As I've never come across any orcs or goblins, I can't say that it glows blue, but I use it as a really wonderful letter-opener.<strong>


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: None of this is mine. All rights belong to the great J.R.R. Tolkien and Peter Jackson.**

* * *

><p><em>The following reports are extracted from the TA 2941 files.<em>

* * *

><p>Agent: Gandalf the Grey<p>

Location: The Troll Clearing

Date: June

The celebratory atmosphere (it isn't everyday one defeats Trolls and finds treasure in a cave!) vanished. An ominous rustling came from the woods. Well. No rest for the Wise.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: June 20th, TA 2941

That is not how that phrase goes.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Troll Clearing

Date: Still June

Yes, but you and I certainly aren't _wicked_! We are on the side of Good!

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: June 20th, TA 2941

Of course.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Into the Woods

Date: June

The entire Company stiffened and glared at the forest. Well, Bilbo and Ori, the young scribe, sort of gulped.

Thorin barked "Something's coming!" Thank you, Thorin.

Bilbo glanced at me, positively shaking. "Gandalf…"

I patted my nice new sword. "Stay together! Hurry now. Arm yourselves." It was as good a time to test my new find as any, eh?

And we all ran out of the clearing and back into the woods, ready to face the danger ahead.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Woods

Date: It has been far too long, old friend!

Well! Radagast just showed up! It is indeed good to see him. When he came bursting out of the woods in that rabbit sleigh the Dwarves all let out relieved sighs and relaxed in a rattle of weaponry. They'd all thought the mystery noise was some fierce enemy! Imagine- jumping and thinking the worst of mystery noises! Dwarves, I tell you. Of course, perhaps they shouldn't have let down their guards when it was clear the danger they were expecting was "nothing" but an old man. Radagast is one of us, one of the I.S.T.A.R.I.

I am sure he could be very fearsome, if he tried.

Perhaps he should remove the bird, erm, _droppings_ from his face first.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: June 20th, TA 2941

Radagast has a rabbit sleigh?

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Woods

Date: Still June

"Thieves! Fire! Murder!"

Oh, Radagast. Always the eccentric.

I sidled up to him while the Dwarves and my Hobbit stared.

"What on Earth are you doing here?" I asked.

Radagast was shaking. "I was looking for you, Gandalf! Something's wrong. Something's terribly wrong."

I put on my Serious Wizard face. "Yes?"

Radagast opened his mouth, paused… and shut it with a snap. He tried again, but just looked confused.

Perhaps it is the mushrooms.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: June 20th, TA 2941

I expressly forbid Agent Radagast to consume those noxious things. They addle the brain and are not at all suitable for the dignity of our kind.

Like your Pipe-weed, Gandalf. Which, need I remind you, I find a disgusting habit.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Woods

Date: June

Ah, you just haven't tried a good pipe of Old Toby!

Also, don't be over-quick to pass judgment on Radagast's mushrooms. I myself have tried them a time or two, and I haven't noticed any negative effects! I am as sharp as ever I was! You must admit that Radagast has always been a bit… odd. I wouldn't blame the flora!

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: June 20th, TA 2941

Indeed.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Woods

Date: June 20th, Third Age

"Oh, just give me a minute. Um. Oh oh _oh_. I had a thought, and now I've lost it. It was- it was right there- on the tip of my tongue."

I waited patiently. The Company looked almost as confused as Radagast, but one mustn't expect mortals to understand the councils of Maia.

Radagast got a stranger(er) look on his face and then curled his tongue.

"Oh!" he exclaimed happily. "It's not a thought at all! It's a silly old-"

I reached into his mouth.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: June 20th, TA 2941

Why.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Woods

Date: June

"Stick insect!" crowed Radagast.

Because there was a stick insect in his mouth, my dear Saruman.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: June 20th, TA 2941

With that out of the way, please tell me if anything of _importance_ occurred during this fortuitous meeting.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Woods, a bit away from the Dwarves

Date: June

Certainly! We stepped farther into the woods so that the Dwarves and Hobbit couldn't hear.

Radagast had news of the Greenwood (as it is called by no one but Oropher's son- and Radagast, apparently).

"The Greenwood is sick, Gandalf! A darkness has fallen over it! Nothing grows anymore, at least nothing good. The air is foul with decay. But worst are the _webs_."

"Webs? What do you mean?"

Radagast flailed his arms about. "_Spiders_, Gandalf. Giant ones! Some kind of spawn of Ungoliant, or I am not a Wizard. I followed their trail. They came from Dol Guldur."

Now, that couldn't be possible, and I told him so. Perhaps it was the mushrooms.

"Dol Guldur?" I repeated. "But the old fortress is abandoned."

Radagast shook his head vehemently. "No, Gandalf! It is not."

And then he told me a tale of following these giant spiders to the ruins of Dol Guldur, and battling a vicious spirit that felt like a Nazgul. It only got worse from there. He claims he saw a Necromancer.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: June 20th, TA 2941

Preposterous. It is too long hiding away with no one but his animals to talk to. He is, at the very least, exaggerating.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Woods

Date: June

I tell you, Saruman, he seemed extraordinarily sincere! In fact, at the end of his story, he was quite worked up. I had to give him some of my good Pipe-weed to calm him down.

"Now," I said, when he had taken in a deep lungful of Old Toby and stood, swaying slightly, looking blissful, "A Necromancer. Are you sure?"

He pulled out a package. I opened it. Well. That certainly speaks for the truth of Radagast's claims.

"_That_ is not from the world of the living," he said.

In summation! Radagast says hello, a Necromancer is stirring and a dark cloud is rising over the land. Also he has discovered a Morgul blade.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: June 20th, TA 2941

I still urge you not to make conclusions in haste, Gandalf. You and I both know that Radagast tends towards fables.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Woods

Date: June

Ah, yes, remember the time he tried to convince us all that you were hiding a palantir in your tower and using it to speak to the forces of darkness? Good times.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: June 20th, TA 2941

Yes.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Woods

Date: June

Ah! There was a howl just then! Right on schedule. There was a great deal of panic, and then two Warg-Scouts showed up. Thorin and Dwalin killed them, and Thorin looked far too pleased with himself. Bilbo was busy twittering ("Was that a wolf? Are there- are there wolves out there? Orc pack?") so I turned on Thorin and shouted "Who did you tell about your quest, beyond your kin?" Thorin bristled.

"No one."

"Who did you tell?" I repeated.

"No one, I swear. What in Durin's name is going on?"

I stared down at the wide-eyed Dwarves. "You are being hunted."

Dwalin growled. "We have to get out of here." Is it some sort of curse of the Dwarves of Durin's line that they must continuously state the obvious?

But Ori yelped "We can't! We have no ponies. They bolted!"

Of course. All that work to rescue them from the Trolls, and now that we need them, where are they? Even my wonderful Margaret. Hmph. I hope she runs into some Wargs.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Woods

Date: June

No I don't. That was uncalled for. But still, I will find myself a much better horse soon. Maybe white. I think I would look good on a white horse.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: June 20th, TA 2941

As Agent Gandalf the _Grey_, don't you suppose grey might be better? I hope I don't need to remind you that it is I who am "the White."

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Woods

Date: June

Well. After realizing that we had been abandoned by our steeds, there was a bit of frantic staring, until Radagast suddenly straightened up.

"I'll draw them off," he said.

We looked at him.

"These are Gundabad Wargs! They will outrun you!" I said.

Radagast only grinned. It was rather disturbing. I could almost hear heroic music.

"These are Rhosgobel Rabbits. I'd like to see them try."

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: June 20th, TA 2941

Well.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: A field or plains or some such thing

Date: June 20th

So Radagast said to tell you that he won't make the meeting, and then hopped on his sleigh and took off.

He raced into the plains, cackling "Come and get me! Ha ha!"

What a brave soul. I won't let his sacrifice go in vain.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: The plain

Date: June

I crouched behind a rock, watching until Radagast led the Wargs and Orcs a distance away, and then we all scrambled to the next big rock.

And repeat. We dashed through open plain, from rock to rock, in a straggling line of one mighty Wizard, thirteen Dwarves, and a gasping Hobbit, Radagast whooping in the distance.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: June 20th, TA 2941

Very dignified.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Halfway to the next rock

Date: June

One moment. I'm busy sprinting.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Behind a rock

Date: June

Ori almost ran right out from behind our latest cover, right into the open. He only stopped when Thorin grabbed him by one of his many scarves and bodily _yanked _him back.

I continued to lead everyone in one short dash after another.

Thorin turned to me at one point, sounding suspicious even while running.

"Where are you leading us?"

I pretended I didn't hear him.

Agent: Saruman the White

Location: Isengard

Date: June 20th, TA 2941

Something you never do to me, I am sure.

Agent: Gandalf the Grey

Location: Another rock

Date: June 20th

The running and hiding worked well for a bit, but one of the Wargs must have scented us (I blame the Dwarves and their aversion to baths), and then we had a merry little chase.

Kili shot the Warg, and looked horribly proud, but though the Dwarves killed the Warg and its Orc as quickly as possible, the sounds of our battle carried, and the others raced towards us.

So there was more running. I've no idea where Radagast ran off to. Some help he was.

I raced to the rock that covered the secret tunnel to Rivendell (why _do_ the Elves of Imladris have a secret tunnel in the middle of nowhere?). But when I turned back, the Company was busy fighting the Wargs and Orcs that surrounded them, and had completely forgotten to watch where I went. Typical.

"We're surrounded!" yelled the blond nephew.

"Where is Gandalf?" cried the other.

Dwalin growled and swung his twin axes. "He has abandoned us."

As if I'd do that! I'll wait to abandon them at a time much more convenient for me, never you fear!

So I decided to watch a bit as they tried to fight against the many Orcs. Little Ori even tried to use his slingshot to shoot a rock at their captain. It didn't do anything but bounce off, but points for effort, I suppose.

When I'd gotten bored of watching, I popped up from my hiding place.

"This way, you fools!"

They all staggered to me, and then we tumbled into the tunnel (I with dignity, of course). I counted them as they entered. I feel rather more like a nanny than a Wizard.

We all huddled underground for a second, and then the most ridiculous cacophony came from above, and we froze, listening.

An orc tumbled into the tunnel, an arrow in its heart. Thorin wrenched the arrow free and glared at it.

"Elves."

How convenient! They must have taken care of the rest of the enemy, so there was no fear of our being followed.

In sudden silence, the Company turned to peer into the dark of the tunnel, which stretched away.

Dwalin spoke. "I cannot see where the pathway leads. Do we follow it or no?"

Bofur, the cheerful miner, said "Follow it, of course!"

They seemed a bit undecided, so I added my own I.S.T.A.R.I. advice.

"I think that would be wise," I said.

And walk on we did.

* * *

><p><strong> Farewell, Minty, Myrtle and Margaret the ponies (and one horse). We hardly knew ye.<strong>


End file.
